I'm so alone. That's all I can concentrate on. Just how empty staying up this late.

I go to work at 5:00 PM- and my alarm didn't wake me up. That's how late I stay up.

Fucked up? You betcha bottom dollar.

Live: from Teenage Wasteland,

woodwork

I write this post almost purely for myself- to make sense and cope with my own problems. I don't intend this to make perfect sense to the rest of my potential audience. However, if you do, I will try to put examples to make this post more clear and less frusterating to those who want to read it. It's also important to note that what I write will probably be cliché to you, but it's a milestone I haven't reached. If you actually read all that long-winded shit, you have my admiration.

The First Part (not to be confused and in no affiliation with the Second Part):

The next time you wake and yr soul feels completely dejected, take a run. Run when nobody else is watching you, and when cars drive past, and see you panting, puke out yr pride and keep running. Don't feel awkward when cars pass stare you down and tacitly point out "Wow, you run like a faery" Awkwardness is a lie society thrusts upon you to twist yr spine and stunt you into a chestless man. I won't accept it.

Next time you bit yr lip and prudeishly ask yourself "Is this really acceptable in society?" Slap yourself. Slap yourself hard. Slap yourself so hard that its sound will make a grand echo in the gas station you're waiting in line at. Slap yourself so hard that the others in the near area will wonder what the hell is wrong you.

And then after that grand slap, and all of society has completely shunned you in the bullshit name of "propreity", you'll have nothing left to fear.

Society has made up rules on its own, but what binds you to that? When something you do is completely off the wall, free yourself from embarrasment. Society has no right to make you feel ill at ease about yourself. You are a human being, and you should not be ashamed of that.

Slightly off-topic aside: Humiliation is a tool of the Man* to keep yr thoughts down.

Realize I am the firmest advocate of table manners I've ever met. The thought I'm trying to get out is that the guidelines of Society have overstepped their boundaries. What should be a vague guideline of what is in good taste and what will in general be considered disgusting to others is now a tool to make losers feel constantly inept and ill at ease. When you free yourself from these boundaries you will then be free to be a complete human.

It's imperative to know the kind of awkwardness I'm talking about, which I don't think has a precise name in English. It's the kind of awkwardness when a stranger peppily greets you on the street with "Hey Phill! I haven't seen you in years!" and you don't know this guy from Adam. What's the sense in getting tongue-tied and trying to remember his name. Why not just be honest with him, up-front like.

I would also group this with the kind of awkward feeling you get when you wear an oversized Coldplay shirt, and realize that the entire onlooking World will judge yr worth mercilessly. Realize:

What will the World give you? Will the World fill yr sense of value as you develop into adulthood? When yr life flashes before yr eyes on yr deathbed, will you judge the significance of yr life by how well you could kiss the World's ass? Or will the importance of yr life depend on what you discovered, and yr journey of realizing and later completing yourself?

Will you think about the one time you slaped yourself in front of a group of self-respecting yuppies or will you think about how you met the perfect mate, but only because you took a chance and forgot yr own awkwardness.

For one second, you forgot yr the most prized possession, yr Pride. And you went up to that beautiful gal, and said exactly what was on yr heart, with no fear whatsoever of embarrassment. No fear of humiliation.

Humiliation is an illusion. Humiliation is a choice. You choose humiliation. On the same line, you can choose not to be humiliated. What freedom! True freedom- because if you are not free inside yourself, why worry about external freedom, which is superfluous if yr soul itself has no rest? This is the core of freedom, which all other freedom is dependent upon.

The Second Part (not to be confused and in no affiliation with the First Part):

Again, I haven't slept. This isn't as complete as I'd like it to be, and I'm writing almost exclusively for myself. I wrote this, and then eventually I trailed off into somethings that might leave you in the dark just a bit. The dropoff point is pretty clear, and if you would like to know more, just comment me about it and I'd be thrilled to fill in the gaps.

You should take a run next time you find yourself wondering why you wanted to live the month before.

Or do push ups. Anything to keep yr body in motion, to feel the sweat and stink of work. To feel the joy of creating something, even if it is just yr body.

I haven't put together all the pieces, but I know there has to be some connection between modern life and the current state of distraction. In growing up I've learned that humanity has always been distracted, and that isn't just a product of modern man. (Though these days distraction has gotten out-of-hand)

I didn't sleep last night, but I do know this: there is some kind of connection between logicworship, nihilism, and distraction.

First of all, if one accepts the Enlightenment full on and unquestionly, then worshipping pure logic is the only course of action. The idea of God can only be appeased once Logic is appeased, therefore God is subject to Logic, and Logic has become our god. The most powerful and unquestionable prescence in our lives.

Alright, that's that. If I can accept that all I what I base 75% of my sanity on (Western Enlightenment philsopers), then Logic is what I base my search for justice, self-meaning, morals, etc.

But in my opinion, Nietzsche† ended the trail of Logic, and came up with the most frightening conclusion to morality: Morality has no standard. If "God is dead", then morality becomes relative to each person's own standard. Then there is no universal morality (Truth) applicable to everyone because truth is relative to everyone's own set of standards.

There is no Truth. Everything is relative. Who can blindly say their standard of morality is superior to yr own?

If there is no Truth there is no standard of morality. Morality becomes an equal opinion:

"I like milk: you like eggs:: Hitler liked to kill people: you liked to save them"

Terrifying? You betcha. Logical? Definately.

Should not then Logic be challenged? Isn't this a flaw?

It's interesting to note that Doestoyevsky (w00t!), a wholly different person than Nietzsche came to same conclusion, and almost worded it the same way as Nietzche:

"If there is no God, then all things a permissable."

Ofcourse, Doestoyevsky was a Christian and believed strongly in God, so I would think that he was trying to speak out for God there. Anyway, that's besides the true greatness of all this:

Two of the world's greatest philosophers analyze the human psyche and analyze the moden zeitgeist, come to the same conclusion, and offer differing views of the same conclusion.

The point of these philosopher comparisons to the purpose of running and building is the Orthodox Christian belief in what's refered to as the "noos" The noos is the part of the soul that undefinably makes sense of the outside world and lets the intellect translate the raw, unprocessed knowledge into words.

But what's known in the noos sometimes exists on it's own. It is Truth that acts indepently of Reason.

Pascal said "The heart has its reason reason cannot know."

The only way to understand Truth is to keep yr noos and soul clean, which is Religion.

Ofcourse, even then there will always be the argument of "Whose to say yr noos and soul are cleaner than mine?"

Maybe you should start with a run to feel some sweat. Maybe you should dig up some dirt, and feel it run through yr hands. When I came to Alaska, at first I was fat, bald, and absolutely piss miserable. To agitate the current situation further, I had to work all the time. I'm not talking paper work either. Roofing houses, digging graves, shoveling rocks. Everyday. Prayer. I hated it all. And then one day after months of physical labor and intense arguing with my spiritual father, I finally walked into his office and said "For the first time in my life, I just want to build something. Like a box, out of wood." He nearly exploded of joy, and said "That is the first sign of a healthy soul. Something that wants to build."

Alaska completely changed my way of thinking. I was happy for the first time in years. I held my head up, I looked into others eyes, I lost a ton of weight. All of the sudden things became revealed to me. Philsophical, theological thoughts came far more regularly, and gave me a real belief.

And I can't explain what hasn't been given to me to explain. All I can say is

take a run. Next time you feel the despondency of modern life. Give me that. Give me at least that. And see what happens. Worse possible thing that could happen is you improve yr cardio-vascular system.

I don't know much, but I do know that walking yourself to a whorehouse to get syphilis would be considered a bad move in this case.

I hope you got anything from my crazyness. Also I know most of you who read this will tell me "Phill, this makes no sense man! You're fucking nuts!" For the record I already know I'm fucking nuts.

Good day to you all.

Live: from Teenage Wasteland,

woodwork

* I try to use the term "the Man" as little as possible. It is quite cheesy I know.

†All of my friends will roll their eyes and say "Again with the Nietzche." but really, I've never connected him so fully before, nor have I talked about him too much via xanga.

Warning: I'm going to offend the masses.

I feel like such an idiot.

I have a theory I'll share with you. If I step on some toes, remember to just avoid my xanga next time you come around.

In general, I can't imagine cultured people listening to rap. I think it's fair to say they in general, listen to old school alternative or indie music. Or post punk or something.

Rock has kind of been a haven for teenagers somewhat intellectual teenagers. There isn't a whole lot of room to have intelligent conversations in modern rap.

Like: "Yeah man, I completely reached a new level of self-realization when I heard the part where Fergie sings about how great she is."

Not happening honey.

But most alternative rock takes the wind right out of yr sails. Really makes you feel like shit.

Not so with rap. Rap is brimming with self-confidence.

So I would say:

Intellectuals with something to say don't feel enough self-worth to express themselves, and douche bags who fill their hollow beat needs with rap end up feeling invincable.

I know I'm crazy.

But. I've just tried to make sense of the fact that I see good people, with a lot to offer the world can't get women, but douche bags are really good with girls.

It bewilders me.

I've just tried to make sense of it all.

A girl turned me down, and when she indirectly told me why, I realized something:

I've really stopped caring about what people think of me. I'm not bragging or acting mature. It's just I've cared for so long, and now I don't have the passion to support it.

My writing is atrocious, forgive me. It's been awhile.

Live: from Teenage Wasteland,

woodwork